THE LIBERAL ZODIAC

I have spent countless hours trying to understand liberalism, which I feel is synonymous with socialism and collectivist thought. How can such a fundamentally flawed way of thinking be so pervasive? I have come to believe that the modern-day liberal falls into one of the following categories:

The Ignorant Do-Gooder: One of the more common forms of liberal. This person lacks knowledge of world history and political thought. They believe that all of their ideas for improving the world are fresh and have never been tried before. They really do not understand traditional conservatism and often look on us as a bunch of crusty, religious, bigoted, white guys. In fact, our Founding Fathers were a bunch of slave-owning hypocrites – didn’t you know? I sympathize with the Ignorant Do-Gooder (IDG) as I was one for the first 30 or so years of my life. The IDG is not stupid and is typically well-educated; they are just grossly uninformed. Always strident in their points of view, they do not even consider the ideas that they espouse could be wrong. And why would they? As they are typically on the young side, they have heard only one point of view almost their entire lives, whether from the education system, the media or the entertainment industry. Their saving grace is their intelligence. A great many of them will pick up the right book, turn on the radio, or fall into the right crowd one day, and they will learn a different point of view. Their eyes will be opened.

The Pawn: This strain of liberal is typically found in the lower end of the socioeconomic strata. The Democrats have been particularly adept at appealing to this crowd by inciting class warfare. They look on wealth and prosperity as a finite pie so when one person is rich, another must be poor. In their world there are only predators and prey. Because they are not advancing in life, they are eager to pin the blame of their failures onto others. I feel sorry for the Pawn because the very people they turn to for help keep them mired in poverty, failure and despair. Instead of teaching them how to think like a winner, they teach them how to think like a victim.

The Sleeze: These are many of the politicians themselves. This person is all about power. They may or may not know the history of socialism and liberal thought. It would not matter if they did. They are for big government because that is how they progress their power or make their money – these are the politicians, lobbyists, union leaders, community organizers and other sleeze that move in and out of public and quasi-public institutions. These people are immoral and dishonorable, although I doubt they think they are. Government will always attract this type like a magnet.

The Elderly: My grandmother falls into this category. They grew up in families that always voted Democrat, they themselves have always voted Democrat and they will stubbornly tell you they will vote Democrat until the day they die. The Democratic Party they knew has been dead for decades.

The Benevolent Dictator: These libs are highly educated and have a firm grasp of history. They have seen the tragedies of socialism but probably do not attribute such horrors to a failure of collectivist thought, but instead to various other issues, depending upon the situation. These are far and away the scariest of the liberals because they are the most well-intentioned. They have no base motives and act out of compassion and a sincere wish to better the lives of others. They wish to better society as a whole, and as such are willing to use the government as a means to achieving that end. If they could see the end of the road they are leading us down they would be horrified. A typical trait of the Benevolent Dictator is a colossal ego. They are out to improve the lives of others and believe they know the best way to achieve this. Implicit in every action is a paternalistic attitude toward their fellow man.

We are all familiar with the Chinese zodiac placemats we get at Szechuan Empress down the block and probably even know our animal. I am a dog, by the way. I wonder if I could print a placemat with my categories of liberal and sell them to various coffee houses and college cafeterias. While they drink their lattes they can learn what class of liberal they are. What do you think?

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